Sept 11th - A Rant

On the surface, I largely ignored the importance of yesterday’s date. Mostly because it is tough when I do take the time to reflect on the chaos, the fear, the utter horror and the collective loss of lives and innocence on that day. However, my thoughts have never strayed far from it.

I was already at work Tuesday, September 11, 2001 when the first murmurs of a commuter plane hitting one of the towers circulated in the office. I naively took the news in stride and tried to focus on my work. The subsequent hit to the other tower was verbally reported as a news helicopter that crashed into the other building.

Then reality sunk in. I kept refreshing news websites, but they were all intermittently down due to the unexpected large number of hits. In my office, people started to gather in the offices and conference rooms that were equipped with televisions to watch the carnage and the news reporters do their jobs while weeping.

I just stayed at my computer and shouted out updates as soon as I received them. After the plane hit Washington DC, I remember vividly reading the incorrect report that the entire Mall in DC was on fire.

It was then that I began to inwardly panic. We. Are. Under. Attack. My mind repeatedly envisioned the opening sequence of the 80’s movie, ‘Red Dawn,’ and figured that today would unfold along the same lines. It may not have been the Russians, but someone who hated the US was coming en mass to fuck us up.

Though it was delayed due to disbelief, my next thought was overwhelming and visceral - my daughter. I needed to be with her. I needed to hold her and protect her from whatever evil forces were intruding.

My company thoughtfully put out a memo via e-mail that stated we could leave the office if we felt the need to do so. Though under normal circumstances, I am a workaholic, I didn’t need a second invitation...I was outta there.

I dropped everything and ran to pick Taylor up from her school. I felt panicky as I drove the few short miles. She was surprised but happy to see me. (As the fates would have it, this was an “Early Dismissal” day.)

I can’t remember exactly what I said to her. I just remember that I told her that bad men had crashed planes into big buildings. I am sure that this day was not one of my prouder Mommy moments as she could not have missed the terror and despair on my face.

Once home, I put her in her room to watch a movie and nap and then barricaded the doors and the gate. I sat shaking, on the couch and watched the news.

I made phone calls...to my family and to friends. I needed to hear that everyone I loved was grounded and safe. It must have been a universal feeling as my phone rang incessantly with incoming calls. One of them was from my future husband, who was at the time just a friend. He was stuck in the Orlando airport. He was booked on a flight that morning to Boston, where he was to have had an interview for a potential new job.

It was a relief in the ensuing weeks to celebrate my birthday and to continue to parent my almost 6 year old daughter. My psyche needed a break from the endless stream of news on the TV and the internet. It was just too overwhelming and heart-breaking to take in and mentally digest.

However, I realized that I had turned inwards too much and had ceased to be participatory in life and present for Taylor. This was made abundantly clear one evening about a month after 9/11. I was in the kitchen and making dinner for Taylor and I. The evening news was droning on in living room.

“Mommy, MOMMY - come quick!” Taylor screamed. I ran into the living room, wiping my hands on a dishtowel and looked down at my unharmed, beautiful daughter. She pointed at the TV where the evening news was replaying events from that horrible day. She had tears in her eyes and the fear that squeezed them there was apparent.

“The bad men crashed the planes again!” she wailed plaintively throwing her little, innocent body into my grasp. I woke from the stupor I had been functioning under and murmured reassuring things into her ear while holding her closely. It was just a video, the bad men weren’t coming to get her and she was safe.

While I suffered no immediate losses on September 11, 2001, my heart lost a little chunk of itself for the sorrow for all who did.

And I am angry, deeply angry at all of the human beings who planned, carried out and condoned the actions.

May you all rot in hell for coldly and cruelly taking the lives of almost 3000 innocent people that day...for removing the innocence of America....for making the entire globe live in a place of fear...and other for many unhappy, unnatural things.

But selfishly and personally...god damn you for making my daughter’s world an unsafe place to live in.